mobert's dance lessons, volume one:

transformers

directed by michael bay

optimus prime bumblebee jazz ratchet ironhide megatron starscream barricade bonecrusher megan fox shia laboeuf josh duhamel tyrese jon voight john turturro

first off, i wanna give a shoutout to tony pierce because i borrowed the format that he uses to do reviews because its the best and the busblog rules.

every kid growing up watched the cartoon transformers. every kid who watched that show always always thought man, how cool would it be if there were live transformers like walking around, saving the world and shit? toy companies played on this desire by marketing masses of action figures based on the autobots and decepticons, but only modern movie technology and blow em up maestro michael bay (armageddon, bad boys) has been able to truly bring them to life. when it comes to finally seeing cars and trucks and tanks and fighter jets transform into giant battling robots, this film does not disappoint.

one of the best things about the infusion of futuristic graphics into a cartoon institution like transformers is the complexity of the transformations and their interactions with real live human beings. as i remember, the cartoon transformers usually just sort of fell apart, then rebuilt themselves into huge ass two legged robots. in the movie, the viewer gets to see all the moving parts while they transform, and while the transformers are in humaniod form. very very cool.

much has been made about the fact that all of the autobots (the good guys) were gm vehicles, including a camaro concept, a pontiac solstice, and hummer h2, while all of the decepticons (the bad guys) were ford vehicles, most notably a saleen hotrodded mustang cop car. coincidence? actually, yeah. in the original cartoon, the original characters

no one who paid money to see this movie paid to see twentysomething shia laboeuf play a high school sophomore, and he really isnt worth watching in most of the films in which he appears. the one human in this movie worth your money is the above picture megan fox. get this, she plays a chick who knows cars. if she can cook a sandwich and throw a football, i say close the ballots for the perfect woman, cuz we have a winner.

very entertaining movie. two thumbs up.

this must be what going to work hung over feels like:



ouch.

let me start by saying this: i am in no way a baseball fan. its been well documented here all the ways i actually hate baseball. having said that, im going to admit that ive been watching baseball on tv.

even when there were perfectly good nhl and college football games on. sometimes on the same tv.

they were games 5 and 7 of the american league championship series, otherwise known as the alcs for the phonetically challenged known as baseball fans. the reason i was drawn into watching game four was a guy named josh beckett. his performance in this game was the stuff of legends, the stuff of postseason lore that little kids will get to tell their grandkids about in 50 years. as in, "grandpa, did you really see beckett single handedly win the pennant?"

check out this line: 8 innings, 1 run, 11 strikeouts. in a crucial playoff game with your team down in the series. in baseball, thats called a nice outing. in the real sports world, thats called clutch. thats kobe hittin a fadeaway three at the buzzer. thats a 80 yard touchdown drive in the fourth quarter two minute drill to win the super bowl.

and while all these are apt comparisons, beckett also had to wade thru the type of bullshit that only baseball could come up with. after flying out against beckett, eighty seven year old punk ass bitch kenny lofton decided to start talk shit and run at the mound. really? after getting out? do you see wide receivers yelling at the corner after dropping a pass? only in baseball.

even before the lofton debacle, the cleveland indians decided they wanted to try and get clever. they hired country artist danielle peck to sing the national anthem. peck just happens to be becketts ex girlfriend. there were many whispers about the indians intentionally trying to rattle beckett by going with peck, but we all saw how well that worked out. beckett had a nice little fuck you to the team he just beat:

"I don't get paid to make those fucking decisions. She's a friend of mine, so it doesn't bother me at all. Thanks for flying one of my friends to the game so she could watch it for free."

that is the snarl of a true competitor. in a sport so lacking in athleticism, grit or the desire to win championships before all other goals, beckett's elevates himself above the sludge of overweight overpaid boys playing catch with a man of a game. i would hate to be the rockies right now.

it was genghis khan a bazillion years ago that said:

"The greatest joy a man can know is to conquer his enemies and drive them before him. To ride their horses and take away their possessions. To see the faces of those who were dear to them bedewed with tears and to clasp their wives and daughters in his arms."

most of the reason why khan was such a terror on the lands of asia for such a long time was that he was very in touch with the ruthless, aggressive ambitions of man. he didnt just want power and glory and possessions, but he wanted yours, and to take them from you, kill you, maim your dead body, stand over your remains and regal in his success. khan maybe have understood, more so than any else in history, the nature of man to covet those things that belong to others.

maybe the burning bush on mount sinai understand the nature of man too, and thats why it told moses not to covet his neighbors wife.

because ultimately, in modern times, it is the coveting of someone elses women that defines the modern man's need to take. its why the plight of the tragic male hero on all the tv shows is the guy who wants the girls hes not supposed to have. case in point: greys anatomy, beverly hills 90210, sex in the city, and various others.

so the point of all this ranting above is that it is natural for humans to want to fuck someone theyre not supposed to want to fuck. this realization applies in all situations.

your friends girlfriend

your coworker

your boss's wife.

your neighbor.

these are all people you probably shouldnt sleep with for a multitude of reasons. does that mean you wont want to? no. does that mean you shouldnt want to? again no. people need to realize that you should fuck who you want, when you want, regardless of where they live, where they work, who theyre married to or how much they make. at the end of the day, its natural selection. everyone is free game, let the chips fall where they may.

for fucks sake

its almost a sure thing that any blogger who keeps their identity hidden at some point becomes an international man of mystery. as we know from our austin powers movies, this status is a good thing. getting liz hurley and heather graham naked in consecutive films requires said international man of mystery status (but not for beyonce, though. she was a step down). for example, i told the bouncer at a very trendy nightclub recently that my name was on his guest list, just look for middle name danger. he laughed and took down the rope for my blonde and i without so much as a second glance.

like i said, a very good thing, indeed.

there are few requirements for attaining the level of international man of mystery status. one must be international. one must have mystery follow you around like a lost puppy. and one must be a man. now, the perks resultant of these simple but profound requirements are various and sundry.

this is a good thing about being global and being mysterious. the bad things would be maintaining these two aspects of the blogger life. being international means bringing the fans back again and again with stories of dangerous superhero missions in foreign lands. being mysterious means bringing in new fans with stories of bedding hot babes around the world.

my, what a quandary.

and for a while at least, this quandary was what i went to bed thinking, what i awoke thinking, hell sometimes even what i pondered while checking out girls asses at the mall. and then the realization hit me that, due to some major changes in my blogging form and fashion, my identity may not be so hidden much longer. consider the following:

- i have published actual photographs of my real face

- i have published actual photographs of women i have really slept with

these facts are cause for concern. surely, the real life me would be recognized by some other real life person reading this blog. surely that real life person would tell other real life people. or, alternately, someone would recognize a woman i have slept with. and with how the world tends to work, that someone would just happen to be someone i am currently sleeping with.

to put it lightly, that never goes over very well.

however, even with the above two facts, the status of 'international man of mystery' might still be within reach. basement dwellers and star wars geeks must have some model to aspire to, and all those drunk and hot girls that kanye west sings about must have a visualization of who they will be gold-digging on.

so even though i have uncovered my face to the world, this international man of mystery will still travel the world, fight crime and always, always get the gorgeous girl.

yeah baby.

so im sitting in front of my tv, watching monday night football, and i cant help but to think that the nice little juke jerious norwood put on some defender looked a lot like this girl i met in las vegas last weekend who likes to dance. a cute blonde thing, wearing a dress shinier than kanye's jesus piece, she drank cristal like it was her job. depending on who you ask, it actually is her job, which explains why she was two bottles ahead.

its cheaper than jaeger, she says.

ive got scotch, but i like jaeger too i say. how much does jaeger run.

she laughs. if you have to ask, stick to the scotch.

she dances by herself. her favorite spot is in front of a glass railing, which separates a raised vip balcony-type deal from the lay people on the dance floor below. all those people in the picture arent really trying to take pictures of her, theyre trying to time the air vents just right and steal a look through the glass up her dress. now those pics might make it onto a site like tmz or smoking gun or people magazine even, but that doesnt mean they amount to much. how much good are panties when theyre still on the girl? what really matters is not whats between her legs, but whats between her ears.

you know, like her hopes and aspirations.

shes five bottles deep and sharing now. she tells me about her upcoming trip to rwanda and how shes so excited and has to pack and needs some good music to listen to on the flight over. i laugh so hard a little fizz comes out of my nose.

why is that funny, she says.

i have a hard time imagining you amongst the people of rwanda. i say

well i am going, she says. why dont you believe me?

i turn and look at her with a grin.

because lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off, i say.

but its more fun she does.

shes smiles, really big like little girls do when you ask them how old they are.

i like to have fun, she says.

how to be my kind of woman, by mosephus jones.

if you drink wine at a bar, you are not my kind of woman.

if you are holding hands with anybody at the bar, you are not by kind of woman.

if the color of your drink matches the color of your a) shirt b) shoes c) nail polish, you are definitely not by kind of woman.

if you dance by yourself, you are not by kind of woman.

if you dance with a bar stool, you are not my kind of woman.

if you go to a bar to hang out with a barkeep, you are not by kind of woman.

if you shamelessly fake sexual interest in the owner of a club, just so you dont have to pay cover cuz you think you are better than everyone you just skipped in line, trust me, you are not anyones kind of woman.

if you think porn is gross, you are not my kind of woman.

if you cannot recite three lines each from the Godfather part uno, goodfellas, and scarface, you are not my kind of woman.

if you havent seen all of the above listed movies, plus Godfather part deux and every other scorsese film ever made, you should kick yourself in the head.

oh, and you are not my kind of woman.

if you are more like natalie portman's character in Closer than julia roberts' character in Closer, you are not my kind of woman.

if you cannot handle a guy calling you out for being a stuckup bratty bitch, you lack a sense of humor and are a golddigger.

if you are a golddigger, you are not my kind of woman.

if you lack a sense of humor, then life sucks cuz nothings funny.

if you are the hottest thirty five year old, mother-of-two adult film actress in the world, and you personally handcrafted one of the best wines in the world.

woah, man. you are my kind of woman.

from reader mail:

dear mobert,

where the fuck you been man? three months and no posts? do you know how much shit can go down in three months? i think you should post some pics or something to prove to the world that your still alive.

holla back,
reader.

dear reader,

i must admit, i am astounding at your unique mix of annoyance and eloquent curiosity. to make up for lost time (which i tend to do alot of), i will oblige you on two fronts. the first, you'll notice, is a new link to the left to the left entitled mo'pics. there you will find photographic evidence of not only what, but who ive been doing over the past three monthes.

on the second front, i have complied a list of my whereabouts and various and sundry doings during the last monthes, because lists are the keep is simple stupid way of blogging. here goes:

things that happen in three monthes:
- movies viewed= forty-one
- movies recommended for viewing= three
- those movies are= traffic, the departed, casino royale
- one coworker gots knocked up
- one coworker got divorced
- neither happened because of me
- i swear.
- two victories over dook
- one dook player leaves
- one loss in the tournament
- zero correct picks for the final four
- twenty dollars lost because of said pics
- number of times i make it rain a week: 2.6
- number of 50+ pt games for kobe = 5
- number of 50+ pt gains for mobert = 6
- number of dollars made of said gains = enough to make it rain on dem ho's
- trips to: chapel hill, raleigh, st troupe, myrtle beach.
- number of late night queen city hot dogs eaten = 451
- number of timeout chicken biscuits eaten = 2
- number of times "where's hectors" was asked = 1
- number of pics on Mo'Pics = 70
- number to come = infinite
- number of mobert posts in the last two years = 48
- number of mobert posts in the last three monthes = one

enjoy

1. work in paradise 2. best cheerleader pic 3. rip jason ray

truth and rumors:

-allen iverson, who's contract with the sixers did not have a no-trade clause, verbally nixed a deal to the bobcats because he couldnt get on the list for a swanky new condo in downtown queen city.

-greg oden's actual birthday is 4-20-1960, which makes him forty-six years old.

-mobert will make an appearance in chapel hill sometime between december 22 and january 2.

-mobert's hot corporate trainer likes guys in cowboy hats. do not ask how he knows this, that information is confidential.

-the most overheard line at headquarters is "if the record's two mil, im just tryna do three."

-fidelity national financial company (FNF) is currently being investigated by the SEC for multiple offenses, including insider trading within its funds, accepting improper gifts from other brokers, and misrepresenting 401(k) fees to its institutional clients.

-the title track to jay-z's new album kingdom come contains a sample from "superfreak" by rick james.

-dook's highly touted freshman guard jon scheyer once scored twenty one points during a one minute thirty second span in a high school game. what dickie v always fails to mention is that twelve of those points came on free throw attempts.

-no one gossips at headquarters because there is no water cooler.

-the queen city brokers fantasy basketball team is current first overall, two games clear of second place thugged out. however, recent injuires to dirk and lamar odom will test this team's depth and resolve in the coming weeks.

-dook backup point guard josh mcroberts has a $400 a day speed habit. he thinks its only four dollars a day because he is also dyslexic.

--between hilary, obama, and john edwards, mobert endorses the non-white illinois senator.

-mobert endorses john mccain over anyone else.

suze orman, self-professed financial know-it-all and mediocre author at best, has a BA in social work, not economics or finance or business or math even. she does not have any post secondary education, and does not hold any NASD licenses.

-crutchfield capital llc, a private equity firm in queen city, is working on a deal to buy facebook. details are forthcoming.

-crutchfield capital is recruiting mobert very heavily because they believe he will "make them a shitload of money" according to a reliable source.

-bobcats rookie adam morrison only showers once a week.

-the north carolina tar heels could probably beat the charlotte bobcats.

1.trade stocks for free. 2. when bad gifts attack. 3. ford has better credit than you.