stuff to do this week:

1. end an era and move out of chapel hill

2. move into new place with lingerie supermodel roomates

3. stop the man from trying to take my independence by requesting a preliminary hearing and hiring a lawyer.

4. at twelve oh one ay em on friday morning, receive payment for services from current employer

5. distribute funds from said payment to various places, like said lawyer, gas, bills, dvds, beer.

6. in that order

7. check the weather in miami and wonder about the future

8. take a nap

9. round up a few folks and ask them about their experiences with insurance and financial services.

10. write down their answers

11. take said written answers to prospective employer and convince them to hire me

12. perform services for current employer for insufficient reimbursement.

13. hang out at the mall

14. watch the carolina hurricanes advance to the stanley cup finals.

14. sleep, dream, repeat

from the mailbox:

state of north carolina

department of transportation
division of motor vehicles

mobert jones III
666 highway to hell
middle of nowhere, usa

offical notice

your north carolina driving priviledge has been scheduled for suspension in accordance with general statute 20-16(a)(10a) and 20-23 for speeding in excess of eighty miles per hour.

effective date: 12:01am, 06/05/06
scheduled termination date: 12/05/06

requirements:

prior to the effective date of this order, you must mail all north carolina drivers licenses in your possession to the division of motor vehicles. failure to surrender your drivers license may result in an additional $50.00 service fee. it is unlawful to drive during the suspension period.

hearing provisions:

a preliminary hearing is allowed. provided your request for a hearing is made prior to the effective date of this order. you may retain your license pending the outcome of the preliminary hearing.

reinstatment procedures:

a restoration fee of $50.00 and the appropriate license fees are required and must be paid at the time your driving priviledge is reinstated. at the time of the issuance of your drivers license, you must present proper identification and proof of age. if you own or operate a motor vehicle, you must show proof of liability insurance coverage. this order is in addition to and does not supersede any prior order issued by the department of motor vehicles. if additional information is needed, you may contact a representative of the division at (919) 861-3807.

brenda mills freeman, assistant director
drivers license section

he watched as the cigarette butt flickered across the windshield in an orange sparkled dance right before he slammed the brakes and the horn. she was a brunette, and the dirty mercedes she was driving just danced a left turn across three lanes of incoming traffic, namely, jorge's bright yellow taxi, cab number 3650. her oversized sunglasses must have impeded her vision, or she was colorblind. whatever her ailment was, she cut so close that i could smell the chanel no five on her skin and see the herpes on her lip.

goddamn kids, jorge said. he turned and looked over his shoulder at me. the thing about this town is that they practically run things here. buncha twentysomethings running a damn city.

you say that like its a bad thing, i joked

he glanced again with a quizical look. lets just say that age will teach you how to tip.

I smiled. fair enough.

the drive was long. west 836 was closed down for a number of miles, the number of miles we needed to get on to get on to where i was going. we chitchatted during the downtime about business, his and mine. eventually we got to talkin bout what we do to pay the bills.

my boss wants to come down to miami and take a local restaurant nationwide, and hes got over a million dollars from his investors to do it, i said. its a pretty lucrative deal, theres a lot of money all around.

my boss makes a million dollars, and hes just a prick.

i laughed. whys that.

he glanced over his shoulder with a clever grin.

you know that bitch that just cut us off? that dirty slut with the chihuahua and the european purse?

what about her.

he grinned again.

that was his wife, he said. his third one.

the light changed and jorge turned back to the front.

bienvenido a miami

you could say im haaaaaapy
not quite bear eats monkey, but this series is far from over.
game three, wednesday evening seven thirty eastern standard time on oln.

my prediction for the nhl eastern conference finals:


carolina hurricanes = bear
buffalo sabers = monkey

american airlines flight 459 was scheduled to leave raleigh durham international airport with non stop service to miami at six thirty three am on tuesday, may sixteenth, two thousand six. that is exactly seven hours from now. not enough time to sleep, not enough time to eat, not enough time to put on a nice suit and tie, and definitely not enough time to get ready for an interview that has the opportunity to change your whole fucking life.

good thing i wont be on that flight.

miami is very different from chapel hill north carolina. its a beach town, a big town, a diverse town with a lot of non white folks in it, and a town with a lot of fake tits in it too. the malls are crazy, like bal harbour for example, where the whole first floor has so many italian names on it, you would think you just checked into the Godfather Hotel. you gotta go up to the attic just to find a banana republic and you gotta pay. for. parking. throw all that together, mix well with pro sports stars and mtv parties on every corner and hot damn! you got yo'self one magic city. what kind of single red blooded twenty two year old male whos about to make more money than he ever has wouldnt want to call miami home?

the kind that already has a home, thats who.

ive lived in north carolina my whole life. its one of the best places to live in america. forbes magazine even says so. its great, and ive always been a big fan of great. theres just a whole lotta uncertainty about the future right now, and between botched weather forecasts and hospital drama finale plot twists, its hard to figure out what tomorrow may bring, let alone the rest of your life.

good thing i wont be on that flight.

i got two phone numbers tonight and it was easy. let me tell you dudes out there who are having a hard time with this concept: its easy its easy its easy. whenever a man has the luxury of going out in chapel hill, getting a girls phone number should never be something to fear. the stakes and the odds and the situations are all primed and tilted in you favor, so take advantage cuz youll never have these days again.

should you do it just cuz i say so? no, you should do it cuz you will regret it dearly if you dont.

one of them works at my secret spot at which i get all my fly gear. shes always super nice and is sure to come show me some of the new tees whenever i come by. she knows what size i wear and what colors i usually wear and which ones will go with the mad max jacket and stuff like that, but her paycheck depends on it so its acceptable. ill often humor her when she brings some shit thats not worthy of being on my body by saysing "yeah, thats ok, not my steez thou hun." she usually smiles and runs along, leaving me to shop as i please. shes cute, thats why i even bother to give her the time of day. her boss is a friend of mine, so by association shes a, um, 'friend' too.

the other one used to play volleyball in her bikini in front of my dorm freshman year. her friend was dating a friend of one of my friends so you know we had a bunch of those ive met you before but dont hang out with you enough to remember your name moments. but tonight, tonight was different. i was walking around in a bar, on my way out to leave when she tried to smack me in the face. shell deny it to her dying day, but she did, and the only reason that she did was because she wanted to talk to me and couldnt think of any other way to flag down a constantly moving, wildy unpredictable, highly experimental stud like myself. we got to chatting and touching and flirting a bit until her mother hen friend started literally looking over her shoulder like a mean teacher during finals. in case you couldnt tell, her friend totally killed the mood. she was obviously mad at mother hen for doing so, so when she batted her eyes and asked me if i would be out the next night, i responded with a cool "if youre lucky," and politely asked her for her number so that, if shes lucky, she would find out. she gave me a smile and wink and typed into my phone.

at this point, troops, your exit strategy is easy. click, turn, walk away.

i only remember one of their names and to tell you the truth, one of the friends of one of these ladies was way hotter and way more interesting to talk to than the on whos number i actually got. but thats the beauty of the thing. for when you are not actually interested in a female, but you are in her friend, that process is called networking. by building relationships with friends of people we want to know, we move up the social ladder simply by association. and this upward mobility is a great goal, because of the wonderful things you can achieve through it, and how really really easy it actually is to accomplish.

click.

turn.

walk away.

you know, there are a lot of women that want to sleep with me. this is not a new phenomenon, nor is it unwelcome. its quite a good problem to have, if there is such a thing. if you can handle a little lack of sleep and the occasional leisurely walk of shame, then read on. world travel! make money! this is the career for you son!

file the entire previous paragraph under "Pimps Annonymous Brochure: Introduction"

hell, one only has to follow the mobert to last night for a good example. us dudes and the ladies are just chillin out late night at the 621, and all of a sudden... (this convo is as best as i remember it, officer. )

alli says:
so mobert, you think you would have sex with me?

mobert says:
nope. thinks a long time.

alli says:
oh ok, whatever. gives mobert the oh no you didnt just say that look.

...

alli says:
are you for real?

mobert says:
are you calling me a liar?

alli says:
yeah i am, i do think you want to have sex with me.

mobert says:
no, actually im not.

alli says:
ok fine. acts like she doesnt care

...

alli says:
ok, so if you dont want to have sex with me, can you tell me why?

mobert says:
babe, you arent my type.

alli says:
see, thats bullshit, i think you want to have sex with me. pouts like a little brat.

moberts says:
try me.

alli says:
gives mobert an look.

it was now four ay em. many of us were ready for bed. alli wanted nothing more than to drink more vodka. interesting how a woman can tell you she wants to sleep with you without saying a word...

an interesting night indeed.

allow me to reintroduce myself, my name is mo
bert, m to the o b
i used to fold t shirts at the A E.
i guess even back then you could call me
prodigal son of the 6-2-1, oh!
fresh out the box like a new pair of white kicks
im not the only one thats knowing that you like this
next year, just keep it hot, keep it new fo me
cuz you know im graduatin' from that U-N-C!

this is a public service announcement, sponsored by g dot nice and the good folks at 621 Productions

"Now before I finish, let me just say
I did not come here to show out, did not come here to impress you
Because to tell you the truth when I leave here I'm GONE!
And I don't care WHAT you think about me - but just remember,
when it hits the fan brother, whether it's next year, ten years,
twenty years from now, you'll never be able to say
that these brothers lied to you JACK!"

things i will not miss about the univeristy of north carolina.

final exams

final papers

studying for final exams

parking tickets

meter maids who think cutting tickets is the most important job in the world

never ending construction

dirty hippies (clean hippies are ok)

basketball groupies

elitist and racist fraternities

stuck up gold digger sororities

rude bouncers (cool bouncers are ok)

slow bartenders

schoolkids records, the walmart of record stores

8-20

lines at the club

and thats about it, cuz everything else here is, of course, perfect.

there is a zoo right smack dab in the middle of campus, right between the old ass geezer library and the caffeine shop. its gets more traffic in the first two weeks of may than most other days of the year. if it was a website, itd be like yahoo or cnn or something like that. a place that we in the industry like to call a high traffic area. hell, some kids even spend the night, sometimes two or three in a row, just cuz they think itll make them smarter, and when its all said and done, theyre none the worse for wear.

i usually just go to study. the park benches are covered with plush green leather, like some kinda irish tavern honeymoon suite on st pattys day. they blend in real well with the surrounding foliage. trees and bushes and shrubs and such line all the walkways. from the benches you get to see all kinds of wildlife. its easy to see how somebody whos supposed to be working dilligently away at some sort of arbitrarily assigned paper busywork could get distracted. theres a great deal to the scenery here, like the rare brunette giraffe slowly stalking the plains, or the herds of ba-donkeys drinking from the water fountains. if youre not paying attention, you could get caught up.

the strangest thing about the zoo is that its almost completely quiet. you would think that any place where college kids gather at 2 am would be the rowdiest place on earth, but the zoo is not that kind of place. no, no, kids here are way too concerned with whats going on in their own little worlds to give a vocal damn about anyone else's boredom. they just stare at their pages and listen to their music, all while letting the richness of the wildlife go to waste.

if my club owner friend came up in here, hed go nuts and pull his own hair out. why isnt there a bar in here?! all these people need BOOZE and they need it now! he would shout. then the nightcop, being the bad mammajamma that he is, would ask to see our student id's and kindly ask us to leave. for a guy whos in charge of 'security,' hes damn child molester-ish on the grand scale of creepiness. reads graphic novels and drinks coke for seven hours a night. kids, let this be a lesson, if you dont go to college, this will be you. in this place of nocturnal loniless where theres no rest for the weary...

and right then, another giraffe passes by. and then her friend. and then another.

oh, right, thats why i keep coming back.